


Superfluous Discord; or, Zoomers with Rumors

by dumplingscomet



Category: Much Ado About Nothing - Shakespeare
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, Gen, Multi, alternate universe - church??, conrade is lowkey absent, genderbent antonio, genderbent balthazar, genderbent benedick, genderbent borachio, genderbent friar francis, lesbian beatrice, tw for nsfw references and religion, zoom and discord chat things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:48:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24934024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dumplingscomet/pseuds/dumplingscomet
Summary: Due to a series of communication failures the summer before junior year, Beatrice Mui and Beni Murayama speak to each other only in arguments, whether at church group or in English class zoom. Believing the two are secretly in love, their friends conspire in their quarantine boredom to make the two of them fall for each other, in a socially distanced fashion, of course.Much Ado About Nothing, but it's teenage lesbians on video chats.
Relationships: Beatrice & Hero (Much Ado About Nothing), Beatrice/Benedick (Much Ado About Nothing), Benedick & Balthasar (Much Ado About Nothing), Benedick & Margaret (Much Ado About Nothing), Claudio/Hero (Much Ado About Nothing), Hero & Margaret (Much Ado About Nothing)
Kudos: 5





	1. Character List

**Author's Note:**

> double slash (//) indicates where the next line should interrupt the previous one  
> Italicized remarks are in the chat of the zoom  
> Benedick, Borachio, Antonio, Dogberry, and Friar Francis are genderbent

**Character list**

MR NATHANIEL “NATE” LEE (Leonato)- English teacher. A middle-aged Chinese-American man who likes Hawaiian shirts

HERO LEE (Hero)- his daughter. Named after the title character of a Christopher Marlowe poem

BEA MUI (Beatrice)- her cousin, a student in Mr. Lee’s English class

BENI MURAYAMA (Benedick)- another student with whom Bea has a casual rivalry 

MEGAN "MEG" KWAN (margaret) - friend of Hero and Bea

URSULA JOHNSON (ursula lol) - another friend of Hero and Bea

EM BALDERAS-SALAZAR (Balthazar)- friend of Beni

PEDRO ARDEN (Don Pedro) -another student in Mr. Lee’s English class. Friend of Beni

JON ARDEN (Don John) - Pedro’s twin brother

BRIE ADKINS- friend of Jon. Meg’s slightly sketchy girlfriend with a drinking problem

TONI (Antonio)- a youth ministry adult leader at St. Peter’s Lutheran church of Messina

PASTOR FRANCES (Friar Francis) - Head youth minister of St. Peter’s

DORIS BERRY (Dogberry)- an old lady who lives across the street from the Lees and attends St. Peter’s.


	2. Prologue: Pick a Side (April 2020)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beni has a crisis of faith and sexuality and solicits help from her friend Emmy via discord. This will all be relevant later.

EM: Hey! Beni!

BENI: Hey Em! how’s your lockdown been?

EM: Eh, could be better could be worse. I have more time to sleep though. Anyways, was there any reason you look kinda… out of it today?

BENI: Kinda. It’s a little hard to explain, though.

EM: That’s okay. I have time.

BENI: Hm. uh….  
I don’t know if this sounds awkward but… how did you realize you were bi?

EM: Oh, well, it was kind of a series of moments that all sort of built off each other where I’d keep seeing cute girls and nonbinary people and being like “oh I just really wanna be their friend” but then I started getting this feeling in the bottom of my stomach whenever I talked to this one friend of mine and then I couldn’t really deny that I liked her the way I liked guys.

BENI: Yeah, I think that’s happening to me too. 

EM: You want me to advise you about that or something?

BENI: Kind of. See, uh, I’m kind of wrestling with like the… the… church things I guess.

EM: You’re still Christian?

BENI: Yeah.

EM: I thought they say being gay’s a sin.

BENI: No it’s not. It’s just that there’s this verse in 1st Timothy that’s like “those who practice homosexuality” or “homosexuals" will not inherit the kingdom of God and a lot of people say that’s a judgement on “the gay lifestyle” - which doesn’t really exist - but like… from the context I’m pretty sure that it refers to… screwing other people of the same gender, not being gay.  
But even that’s questionable cause like I’ve read in a couple places that those things were actually referring to some particularly unethical sexual practices in the Ancient near east and first-century Rome. it’s a little… not PG so to speak so I’m not sure if I should explain it right now.

EM (sighs): It’s fine, Ben. it’s just the two of us.

BENI (takes a deep breath): Ok, well, according to this book I read, if a man in ancient times screwed another man it was considered a… I guess the way people saw it was that the other man was put into the position of a woman, sexually, and that was seen as demeaning cause like... sexism. And then the Greek words that get translated to “homosexuality” and “homosexual” actually have really contested meanings. Like, according to this one article, they say a lot of older German translations specifically condemn having sex with underage boys, not same-sex relationships in general. 

EM: Interesting. What about women?

BENI : Well, there’s only one passage that mentions it and… it says that one of the big sins women committed was being turned “against their nature in lust for one another” which, according to the book I read, might not refer so much to the gender of the partner so much as the fact that it’s not within a loving marital relationship.

EM: Okay, so is something bothering you about these theories?

BENI: I don’t know like… they make sense to me and for a while and I was chill with it and I even started, like, talking to this girl, but then, when I was at writing retreat two months ago I met this guy, who’s also bi, who left the church over like… the gay issue and I was trying to explain everything I’d read to him and he was like “so where’s the evidence for these theories?” and I couldn’t really argue with him ‘cause it was all so vague. Then, I read something that used the “against their nature in lust” passage to say that same-sex relationships as a whole were sinful and... it also made sense to me and I started to wonder if maybe I’d just believed what I’d read cause I wanted to believe it. And then I started questioning if I was really bi. That’s why I asked you what I did.

EM: Huh. 

BENI: And then there’s also people who say that the point of marriage and sex was to have “unity in difference” and there had to be like a balance of masculine and feminine or something like that.

EM: Well, I’m not exactly an expert on interpretation of religious texts but, from what I’ve seen, heterosexual relationships can be pretty screwed up, gender is a relative social construct, and our approach to masculinity in particular is pretty toxic, so that seems like a weak theory.

BENI: Yeah. I guess all I can say right now is that same-sex-attraction isn’t wrong and I can’t say same-sex relationships are wrong either but… I can’t say they’re necessarily 100% okay, especially when it comes to the sex part. That being said, there’s only like ten or so verses that could be seen as condemning same-sex relationships while there are at least that many whole chapters explicitly decrying ungenerous rich people, so who’s the real problem here?

EM: That’s an interesting way to put it.

BENI: But, I guess for the time being I’m not in a relationship and I don’t really want to be in one so… don’t worry about problems you don’t have?

EM: Sure.

_(A pause. BENI stares down at her keyboard)_

BENI: Anyways, did you like… formally come out or anything?

EM: Well, I told my friends, then my parents and then… I realized it didn’t really matter, so I just put a little blue-purple-magenta pin on my backpack and left it at that.

BENI: Yeah, that makes sense, but like… I feel like… I’m just not sure if like… I owe it to other gay people in my youth group to go public about my sexuality so they could feel comfortable being out at church...

EM: Oh. okay.

BENI: But then… uh… last year this girl went public about her sexuality at youth group one day and some guys on the leadership board got mad and like - she’s still there, her family’s still there, no one’s kicked anyone out, but... her mom kind of felt the need to resign from the board even though only a few people were angry. If that happened with me going public… it might be more trouble than it’s worth, you know. And then, of course, I’m not sure where I stand on the whole gay issue myself in the first place so like… what do I say when people ask?

EM: Well, maybe you should talk to this other girl about it during youth group or something and see what she thinks.

BENI: I don’t know if she’ll want to talk to me, though.

EM _(losing her patience)_ : Look, Ben, you’ve gotta make a decision somewhere instead of just running in circles. What does church even mean to you? What’s your faith all about?

_(Awkward silence)_

BENI: Uh, I guess… I guess it’s about knowing that you don’t have to get it all together on your own cause there’s something beyond our like… flawed society that’s trying to make us better and… something beyond the screwed-up world we live in that’s going to be better, but for the time being we're called to love God, love other people, listen and... be humble.

EM: So how does that fit with the whole coming out thing?

BENI: I still don’t know, honestly. But then again, if anyone thinks they know right from wrong in every possible situation they’re probably lying to themselves.

EM: Yeah.

 _(A noise in Em’s house.)_  
What mom? Oh! Okay, I’ll be there in a moment. (to BENI) My girlfriend just dropped off some cake.

BENI: Okay, cool. Sorry about all the deep talk.

EM: No, it’s fine. Sorry I couldn’t help you more.  
_(she leaves the call. Beni stares out for a moment and then also leaves)_


	3. Act 1 Scene 1: Mr Lee utilizes the mute feature

MR LEE: Alright, kids. Welcome to another day of English 3 Honors. If you would please silence your cell phones and move away from all distractions, that would be much appreciated as we continue our discussion of John Steinbeck’s _East of Eden_. But first, let me check who’s here. _(he stares across his screen)_  
Alright, I have Bea, Margaret, Pedro, Claudio, Ursula, and Conrad. Anyone else?

JON: I’m here.

LEE: Ah, right. The other Arden brother. Why weren't you on Tuesday’s Zoom?

PEDRO: He was asleep!

JON: I thought we only zoomed on Thursdays! You should’ve told me!

PEDRO: So it’s my fault?

JON: Not entirely. But - 

LEE: Alright gentlemen, break it up (he mutes them). Man, that feels great. Anyhow, I assume Beni is absent as usual, as is Brie.

BEA: Typical Beni.

LEE: Alright, well. Let’s dig in to this important quotes and themes worksheet, shall we? Claudio, would you read number one?

CLAUDIO: Sure. _(clears throat)_ “Is it true that when you love a woman, you are never sure - never sure of her, because you aren’t sure of yourself?”

LEE: All right, John, could you explain what that means? _(he hits “unmute all” in an attempt to unmute John specifically)_  
JON: Sorry, could you repeat the passage? I just zoned out for a minute.

CLAUDIO: It’s number one on the worksheet,// dumbass! (Pedro laughs) 

JON: Hey, //at least I’m honest!

LEE: Alright, you two, take it to the chat! (he mutes all three of them again). Anyhow, Ursula, would you mind reading the passage again?

URSULA: “Is it true that when you love a woman, you are never sure - never sure of her, because you aren’t sure of yourself?”

LEE: Beatrice, would you like to explain this?

BEA: Sure! _(cracks knuckles)_ In essence, it means “Do you suspect your girlfriend of cheating cause you’re insecure about your ability to be her boyfriend?”

_(Beni enters the zoom)_

LEE: Correct. // Would you care to put that meaning in context of the characters’ situations?

BENI: Actually, Bea, I think there’s a couple layers to that quote.

BEA: You just got here! How do you even know what quote it is? (to Mr. Lee) Can you mute her, please, Uncle Nate? I think being late to class should negate her interruption privileges.

BENI: Well if this isn’t some high-quality nepotism, I don’t know what -

_(Mr. Lee mutes Beni)_

LEE: Take it to the chat, ladies. Anyhow, Emmy, please contextualize the quote.

_**Beni** (in the chat): surprised ur still alive. Thought weeks of not insulting me to my face would kill u. lmao_

EM: Well, since Abra talks a lot about Aron idealizing her in later parts of the book it might sort of be foreshadowing how he ends up //misunderstanding her. 

BEA: You really think my life revolves around you,// Beni?

LEE: Bea… (he mutes her)

EM: It might also be reflective of Adam idealizing Cathy and maybe being overprotective of her, which might have been a factor in her sort of rebellion from him. But then Cathy was kinda set up as an inherently bad person, so I’m not sure about that.

_**Meg** : Bea ur never gonna get a girlfriend with an attitude like that. _

URSULA: I don't think this was intentional but it could almost be seen as calling out Steinbeck for the way he treats female characters….

_**Bea:** Meg, I respect ur opinion as the only person in our friend group to have had a girlfriend but dating is not exactly my priority in quarantine._

EM: Mm, nice.

_**Beni:** Well, I’m glad to know you’re in agreement with me about that.  
**Bea:** I think it’s more important that you’re in agreement with me. Otherwise some poor person would be subject to a constant barrage of pickup lines. _

URSULA: See, apparently Steinbeck’s wife like left him around the time he wrote this book, so maybe writing this wife character who has no redeemable qualities could kind of be seen as a way of covering up how insecurities abuse it why she left him and being like “you know what maybe she was just a terrible person and I'm better off without her”. 

_**Beni:** : I’ll have you know that most female-attracted humans in our grade think I’m quite the catch. Too bad I rly can’t care less._

__

__

URSULA: Especially when you look at that scene where Adam visits Cathy just to yell about how he doesn't care about her anymore.<

_**Bea:** And why is that important to me?_  
LEE: That’s interesting. Alright, Pedro, between love, truth, and fear, which theme would you say this is? 

PEDRO: Uh… probably love but also truth I guess. 


	4. Act 1 scene 1 part 2, after class

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claudio, Beni, and Pedro discuss relationships.

_CLAUDIO calls BENI on discord_

CLAUDIO: Hey Beni, do you know Hero?

BENI: Mr. Lee’s daughter? I know _of her_ , but I don’t know who she is as a person. Why?

CLAUDIO: Well, I’ve been assigned as her physics lab partner this month and… she’s kind of cute.

BENI: Oh my gosh, Claud, you’re not about to start dating your English teacher’s daughter.

CLAUDIO: I’m not saying I would start a long-term relationship with her, I was just stating the fact that she’s cute because I have nothing better to talk about.

BENI: Claudio, why would you say a girl you’ve just met is really cute if you weren’t at least in your irrational right brain thinking about dating her?

CLAUDIO: Okay, fine! In my “iRraTiOnAl rIghT BrAiN” I imagine taking her out to Starbucks once quaratine’s over, but only when I’m half asleep, okay? 

BENI: Well then, I dearly hope you stay awake cause relationships in high school are… no bueno. I mean, first of all, she’s your English teacher’s kid, which means he might be really judgy around you because dads hate their daughters’ first boyfriends cause they represent the end of childhood and all that is familiar. Also, how can you plan video dates with a girl you barely know while balancing your intense junior year extracurriculars?

CLAUDIO: It’s quarantine, Beni! I can spend all my sports time planning dates!

BENI: On video chat?

CLAUDIO: I mean why not? We have all our classes on it.

BENI: Studying Steinbeck and starting a relationship are two very different beasts, Bartoli.  
(pedro enters the chat)  
PEDRO: Hey guys, why haven’t you joined the Tiger King stream?

BENI: We’re discussing Claudio’s love life. Or lack thereof. Also Tiger King’s overrated.

PEDRO: Have you even watched it?

BENI: A little

PEDRO: So.. what’s up with the love life?

BENI: He likes Hero Lee - 

CLAUDIO: I just said she was kind of cute!

BENI: And then you started arguing with my points about how dating in high school is bad and insisted you can start a relationship over zoom!

CLAUDIO: It was hypothetical!

BENI: Sure.

PEDRO: Okay, so what were your points?  
BENI: I said that dating in high school during quarantine is a bad idea because it will distract him from his studies and he barely knows the girl he likes so there’s a lot of potential for problems with zoom dating and I really don’t see the hype.

PEDRO: Well, to be fair, you don’t see the hype in anything.

BENI: That’s cause most teenagers get hyped over stupid things like air pods and tide pods and scrunchies. I’m a rational person, Peter. I don’t get caught up with things just cause all my friends have this… this... feeling that the latest trend is the best thing since sliced bread. Granted, relationships aren’t a trend, they’ve been part of the teenage psyche since the dawn of time, but the mentality’s the same. “I don’t care if it’s a waste of time, everyone else’s doing it and I wanna feel included”. Like, so much for _homo sapiens sapiens,_ we're no better than sheep.

PEDRO: Well, Beni, one day you’ll find a great guy and everything will make sense.

BENI: _(snorts)_ You sound like my weird great-aunt.

PEDRO: And you sound like mine, with all your “kids these days” talk, so we’re even. _(to Claudio)_  
I’ve known Hero since we were six. She’s not a bad person. I think you could pull off dating.

BENI: Even over zoom?

PEDRO: Sure. 

_(a noise in Beni’s house)_

BENI: What, mom? I thought you washed them? _(to Pedro & Claudio)_ Sorry guys, the plates don’t clean themselves. _(exits the call)_

PEDRO: So, Claudio, do you really like Hero or was Beni blowing it out of proportion to start drama?

CLAUDIO: I don’t know. I mean… I like her and I’d like to know her better, but Beni’s made me nervous about commitment

PEDRO: Don’t be. Like I said, she’s super nice, super understanding, and I think you’d get along pretty well cause you both like to sit in the corner at parties and play games on your phones. I could also probably get you her number if you wanted to FaceTime -

CLAUDIO: The thing is, I don’t think I’d be emotionally ready to do that unless I know she likes me.

PEDRO: Fair enough. How about I ask her about you during youth group movie night tomorrow and if she says she’s down to zoom I’ll send you her number. Cool? 

CLAUDIO: Cool. thanks.

PEDRO: Anyways, I have to finish my Calc homework.

CLAUDIO: Oh yeah. I should probably get on that too.


	5. Act 1 scene 2, Discontent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A well-meaning but misunderstanding church youth group leader attempts to make Jon apologize for some recent scuffles he's had with his brother, but only increases his resentment toward the state of things. News from Brie gives him ideas for revenge.

_Zoom call with TONI and JON. TONI is a twenty-something youth leader who is well-intentioned but not very well-acquainted with the teenage male psyche._

TONI: Hey Jon, I heard Peter’s pretty mad at you for what you said yesterday on youth group zoom.

JON: I know, Toni, I live in the same house as him! My parents make us eat dinner together and all he does is - 

TONI: I was just asking you about it cause he says you still haven’t apologized.

JON: Why should I? He hasn’t apologized for all the shit he’s given me in English every Tuesday and Thursday. That F-bomb was just a response to him taking out his quarantine restlessness acting like it was some kind of moral failure for me to zone out of class. I mean, if he’s the Good Christian Boy everyone says like he is, why doesn’t he go out and like… do something for charity and leave me alone like a decent person would when their brother’s recovering from a breakup.

TONI: Wait, a breakup?

Jon: Yeah, my girlfriend broke up with me last week. She says it’s ‘cause dating in lockdown would be too difficult but I feel like she has other reasons she’s not telling me.

TONI: Have you asked her about it?

JON: No, she’s left me on read every time I try to text her.

TONI: So what does Peter think about all this?

JON: He doesn’t care. At best he ignores me. At worst, he makes fun of me for it in English class

TONI: Have you asked him for an apology about any of this?

JON: He won’t take me seriously. If I tried to walk up to him he’d probably just say he has homework to do, and even if he did apologize it’d be pointless cause I know he’ll say the same crap again whenever Claudio starts shit in English.

TONI: So what I’m hearing is that you’re not willing to be the bigger person and reconcile by apologizing to him but then you’re also unwilling to accept his apology, so you’re just going to let the situation stay like this, even though it’s bothering you?

JON: Sure.  
TONI: Well, I can only help you as much as you want to be helped, but it seems to me that if Peter won’t take your anger seriously, it might be more impactful if you set aside your grudge and - 

JON: Look, Toni, it’d be great to be able to take the high road, but I can’t change how I feel and right now, I’m still angry and I can’t leave what he’s done in the past cause I know he’s not going to change anything.

TONI: Okay, well… if you do feel like it maybe try doing the meditations I recommended and journaling a little, okay?

JON: Ok.

_Jon hangs up the call. Brie calls him on discord._

BRIE: Hey Jon, you wanna know what I heard from Meg today?

JON: What?

BRIE: I think Hero likes her physics lab partner, Claudio. And I think he likes her back. The funny thing about this whole thing is that Claudio’s too scared to ask Hero out himself, so he wants Pedro to ask her if she likes him before he makes any moves. And of course Hero’s also too anxious to ask Claudio anything either.

JON: So you’re implying that she might have broken up with me cause she likes the guy who gives me shit in English?

BRIE: Unfortunately so. Figured you’d rather known sooner rather than later. Sorry about that?

JON: No, it’s fine. I’m just a little pissed off at the youth leader from my church who just called me about apologizing to Pedro. Like, I guess she means well...

BRIE: Oh yeah. Church people can get pretty invasive sometimes

JON: Anyways, what did you say about Pedro?

BRIE: He’s going to ask Hero tonight if she likes Claudio and relay the message before Claudio asks her out.

JON: Interesting.


	6. Act 2 scene 1, part 1, youth group movie night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pedro attempts to run a stream of Cars via zoom for the youth group but his internet doesn't load. As they wait, he talks to Hero about cupcakes, both real and pixellated.

PEDRO: alright, guys. Welcome to the Messina Community Church Youth Group Cars stream. Currently, my netflix is still loading very slowly and not everyone has joined yet, so we’re just gonna talk about stuff. 

URSULA: Who hasn’t joined yet?

HERO: Just Claudio, I think.

PEDRO: And Meg and Beni.

HERO: Oh right, yeah.

PEDRO: Anyways, Hero, what have you been keeping yourself occupied with during this shelter in place?

HERO: Well, right now, I’m playing this game on my phone that’s like 2048 but with cupcakes.

PEDRO: Interesting, what’s it called?

HERO: 2048 cupcakes.

BEA: Creative.

HERO: Look, I didn’t make it, okay? And if I did I wouldn’t’ve designed that atrocious-looking purple spiderweb cupcake except in a programming mistake.  
Speaking of cupcakes, I also do Great British Bake-off rewatches with Meg and Ursula.

PEDRO: Oh really? Claudio and I just started watching that show!

HERO: Does he bake at all?

PEDRO: No, he's quite clumsy in the kitchen but he really likes cakes and pies.

HERO: Interesting. Maybe when we get done with this physics project, I can send him a little cake as a… sort of celebration present. 

PEDRO: You bake?

HERO: A little. I’ve just started working on some basic cookies these past few weeks but Bea and I are going to test out a red velvet recipe tomorrow.

PEDRO: Oh, interesting. That’s Claudio’s favorite flavor.

HERO: I know. He told me when we were finalizing our life cycle of a star diagram.

PEDRO: Really?

HERO: Yeah.

URSULA: Looks like Meg and Claudio are on the stream

PEDRO: What about Beni?

CLAUDIO: She said Cars is stupid and she didn’t want to join.

BEA: Typical Beni

PEDRO: Anyways, how are you doing, Claud?

CLAUDIO: Not that great. Turns out I have a bunch of late assignments in history but I can’t turn them in cause I can’t find the place on Google Classroom. Also my sleep schedule’s kinda messed up.

PEDRO: Bummer. Anyways, Netflix isn’t loading, so maybe we should play skribbl.-

HERO: Dammit!

CLAUDIO: What?

HERO: I could have merged these two vanilla cupcakes into a pink to merge with the other pink and merge with the yellow but I swiped left instead of right so I think I’m gonna die now.

PEDRO: Hero’s playing 2048 cupcakes.

CLAUDIO: I know. I actually introduced it to her a few weeks ago

PEDRO: Oh, really. Anyways, Hero what’s the highest level of cupcake you get?

HERO: Rainbow. But I never get past peppermint.

PEDRO: Where you at now?

HERO: Toasted marshmallow. _(beat)_ You know, I sometimes playing this game makes me feel like Henry, you know?

CLAUDIO: What?

HERO: They guy from Octet?

PEDRO: Oh right! The Candy crush addict!

CLAUDIO: What’s Octet?

PEDRO: It’s this chamber musical about eight people in an internet addiction therapy group. Emmy introduced it to us in choir last month.  
_(sings)_ “all the games I like have candy in them, all the games I like from lap to pad, swedish fish and red hots, sour bears and choc-chocs, all the candy never stops

HERO: “day-glo go-go underground,

MEG: “No one else around,

HERO, MEG, URSULA & PEDRO: “No one there to hurt me!”

CLAUDIO: Interesting. Speaking of sweets, I think I drank too much dalgona coffee. Gotta go to the bathroom _(he exits the zoom)_


	7. act 2 scene 1, part 2, Claudio in the bathroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jon calls Claudio while he is off the zoom

_In the bathroom. John calls Claudio on the discord._

JON: Hey… Is this Claudio?

CLAUDIO: _(annoyed)_ Yeah? I’m on the toilet.

JON: Have you been on the stream?

CLAUDIO: Pedro’s stream? Yeah, why?

JON: I’m in the room next to his and I can hear him like, talking with Hero. tell him it’s not a good idea to start a relationship in quarantine. So many things could go wrong.

CLAUDIO: Is he really trying to flirt with her?

JON: Oh yeah. I can hear his bad pickup lines from all the way across the house it’s so loud. I am cringing on the inside. Will you tell him what I said?

CLAUDIO: Sure.

_(John hangs up)_

CLAUDIO: I should’ve known something would go wrong today. Fuck. Why didn’t I just talk to her myself? Why did I expect him to do it for me? Why am I so damn nervous all the time?

_(he leaves the call)_


	8. Act 2 scene 1, part 3, a stranger named Gwen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back on Pedro's zoom, Bea gets trolled by someone on her musical theater discord server that may or may not be Beni

PEDRO: So, at the moment not even skribbl is loading and Claudio hasn’t gotten out of the bathroom yet, even though it’s been like 10 minutes so uh… Meg, have you and Brie been able to facetime date at all?

MEG: A little.

BEA: What the hell? _(laughs)_

URSULA: What is it?

BEA: I was just venting about people on this musical theater discord with a bunch of my internet friends and this girl named Gwen with a Jungkook profile picture who I’ve barely met just hops into the conversation and goes “I ran into this girl from your school the other day and she says you’re a bitch whose sense of humor is solely derived from mid-2010s tumblr posts.” Should I respond?

MEG: Please do. I need some drama in my life.

BEA: ok. How about I say “Was this girl named Beni by any chance?”

MEG: Solid

HERO: I got white chocolate peppermint!

_(discord notification dings)_

BEA: Alright, Gwen says “I think so. How do you know her? (sighs) Both English class and church group, unfortunately. I see her far more than I’d like to. (types)

URSULA: Is the Skribbl.io loaded?

PEDRO: Not yet.

_(another ding)_

BEA: Gwen says “What do you think of her?” (deep inhale) How about “I think she’s a very self-unaware girl who thinks she’s funny but can’t understand that people only laugh at her out of pity. Anything she says about my sense of humor is just projecting her weaknesses onto me.”

MEG: Mm, nice.

HERO: Is Claudio still not back from the bathroom?

PEDRO: Looks like it.

_(another ding)_

BEA: Gwen says, “Interesting. How about, if I ever see her again I’ll tell her what you said”  
_(laughs)_ Definitely. She’ll probably attempt some ‘witty’ retort and you’ll realize just how lame her jokes are.

HERO: I’m starting to think this account is Beni.

URSULA: Nah. She doesn’t strike me as the Kpop sort of person. 

HERO: She might just be posing as a Kpop stan to troll Bea. 

BEA: that’s not beyond the realm of possibility. 

URSULA: Isn’t that too much effort for Beni?

BEA: Only if it was her part of a group project in school. She gets very motivated when it comes to pissing me off.

HERO: Is Claudio still not back? Should we just start the movie without him?

PEDRO: Actually, my Skribbl.io just loaded. We can start that while we wait.


	9. Act 2 scene 2, Beni being bitter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beni calls Claudio on discord to vent about Bea, but - believing Pedro wants Hero for himself - Claudio has venting of his own to do. Fortunately, Beni relays this information to Pedro and saves his plan.

_Beni calls Claudio on discord_

BENI: _(tiredly)_ Hey, Claudio!

CLAUDIO: What, Beni? I’m not in the mood for one of your weird sugar high rants.   
_(a pause. Beni’s expression drops)_  
Sorry. It’s just… Pedro said he’d talk to Hero for me to see if she likes me but then I go to the bathroom and John tells me he just wanted her for himself.

BENI: _(deep sigh)_ Claudio, this is why I said pursuing relationships was a bad idea! It creates all sorts of weird emotional shit you have to deal with! It sows irrational distrust! It breaks friendships!

CLAUDIO: You just said dating would be a waste of time.

BENI: Well, I thought the emotional weight of relationships was implied when I mentioned balancing your extracurriculars.

CLAUDIO: Look, can you just leave me alone? I’m really tired.

BENI: Okay, sorry.

_Claudio exits the call. Pedro & Hero join the video channel_

HERO: Hey Beni? Do you know what’s up with Claudio? He was on our movie night stream but then he just went to the bathroom and never came back.

BENI: John told him Pedro was flirting with you and didn’t actually intend to set him up with her so now he’s in a really weird funk and doesn’t want to talk to anyone.

PEDRO: John’s Hero’s ex! Why would Claudio listen to him?

BENI: Didn’t know, I guess.

PEDRO: _(sighs)_ She’s like all he talks about day in and day out. “Oh please feel sorry for me and let me not do my chores, my girlfriend just broke up with me last week” and, I mean it’s one thing if she was actually mean to him but she was the nicest, most understanding person. He just wasn’t self-aware and expected her to take care of all his emotional problems and it was really draining on her, so she left him, but she was afraid to say that cause he’d get mad at her.   
_(beat. Hero looks uncomfortable)_   
Anyways, could you tell Claudio that I wasn’t flirting with Hero and convince him to get back on the zoom?

BENI: Not sure. I think I rubbed him the wrong way.

HERO: Speaking of rubbing people the wrong way, Beatrice was… particularly irritated about you on the stream today.

BENI: Bea? She had it coming. You wanna know what happened? 

HERO: Sure

BENI: So, y’know, I was just minding my own business scrolling through a musical theater discord I’d just joined when I see Bea indirecting me in one of the chat threads and like, since I go by my middle name on discord and I have this Jungkook profile picture, she didn’t know it was me and so I say something to the extent of “I ran into Beni once, what do you think of her?” and she just goes OFF. Like, she says that people laugh at my jokes cause they pity me, that no one likes me, and that me criticizing her sense of humor is just projecting my weaknesses onto her. What the hell? I mean, I know it’s just Bea being a petty bitch and projecting her hatred of me onto everybody else to feel validated but it still kind of stings, man. I swear, I was this close to posting “what if I told you I was Beni?” and a tiktok with my face in it but I didn’t want her to mock me for being a Kpop stan, so I summoned all my restraint and held that in.

HERO: Bea says you _incited_ her to those comments by saying “I heard from someone at your school that you’re a bitch whose sense of humor is solely derived from old memes.”

BENI: That still doesn’t give her license to insult me like that!

PEDRO: Actually, it kind of does. Especially cause she didn’t even know it was you. 

HERO: Also, will you call Claudio or no?

BENI: I’d rather not.

PEDRO: Speaking of Beatrice, looks like she has entered the server.

BENI: Aaaand…. That’s my cue to leave. 

_(she turns off her video, then audio, then exits the call. Enter Beatrice and Claudio)_

BEA: Hey Pedro, I found Claudio.

PEDRO: Did you tell him what happened?

BEA: Yeah.

PEDRO: Ok. great. (beat) So… Hero. Do you have a question for Claudio?

HERO: Yeah, actually. (dramatic pause as she adjusts her posture) Would you like to have a facetime date on Saturday? I can drop off cake or something at your house and you should still have my number from the physics project.

_(Claudio stares awkwardly into his camera)_

PEDRO: You have anything to say, Claudio?

CLAUDIO: I mean… I could, but even if I did I don’t think it would fully describe… how I feel, I guess. Like, if I didn’t love you as much as I do… I could describe it, but… as it is I really can’t. Uh… do you know what time works best for you?

HERO: Probably around 2 or 3. That okay?

CLAUDIO: Yeah, I mean we have nothing else to do.

HERO: Cool

CLAUDIO: Cool 

_(they exit the zoom. Pedro and Bea stare awkwardly at each other for a moment)_

PEDRO: So, Bea, your cousin has a boyfriend. How do you feel?

BEA: _(sarcastically)_ : Oh, Pedro, I feel so left out! If only I weren’t so clumsy and awkward, maybe I’d find a nice boyfriend too!

PEDRO: Well, Bea, I’m sure I know someone. Would you like me to get you in touch with him?

BEA: _(still sarcastically)_ Oh, that’d be great.

PEDRO: (awkwardly) Uh… Bea… would you like to possibly have a facetime date with me tomorrow? I mean, I can’t bake but I could like bring you some… Safeway donuts, perhaps?

BEA: _(snorts)_ Thanks, but I’m a lesbian.

PEDRO: What?

BEA: Uh… I - I was being sarcastic when I said I wanted a boyfriend.

PEDRO: Oh, I see. Suppose I shouldn’t’ve taken you for the serious romantic type.

BEA: It’s okay. Mistakes happen.

PEDRO: Well, uh… see you at next youth group zoom, I guess?

BEA: Sure.


	10. Act 2, scene 2, part 2: the next day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bea & Beni's friends plot to set them up

_Hero calls the discord group: Meg, Ursula, Pedro, Claudio, and Em_  
HERO: Hey guys

MEG: Hey.

PEDRO: What do you want to talk about?

HERO: Nothing. I’m just bored.

PEDRO: Well, uh, in other news your cousin friendzoned me last night on the discord call.

URSULA:I think her being bitter about Beni all the time kind of sours her impression of life.

MEG: Well, she _is_ a lesbian

URSULA: It’s not just about her friendzoning Pedro. It’s about like… every interaction she has with… anyone… ever. Like how she always makes a big show of calling out Beni when she shows up to English zooms and dropping her little one-liners.

HERO: Dude, you haven’t heard the worst of it. I _live_ with her and like, every time my dad casually references Beni when he’s like… grading papers or something she just _has_ to go on this little monologue about the latest _terrible_ thing Beni did, which is usually something petty like posting old memes or misusing the word “literally”.

CLAUDIO: Well, it’s not like Beni’s completely innocent here, though.

HERO: Oh no, not at all.

CLAUDIO: I’m pretty sure she joins the English zoom late just to piss off Bea. Like, for the past 3 or 4 Tuesdays, she’s texted me like “Claudio, when’s the English zoom?” and I say “11” and she says “cool” but then she doesn’t show up till 11:15.

MEG: Well, I think they’re in love.

 _(the next four lines are simultaneous)_  
HERO: WHAT?   
CLAUDIO: But they hate each //other!   
URSULA: What are you smoking?  
EM: Did Brie make you drunk// last night?

PEDRO: No, guys, I think she might have a point.

URSULA: How?

PEDRO: See, the other day, after church game night fell through, she was on one of the Choir Squad discord video chat channels being like _(imitating Beni)_ “I know Bea saying everybody hates me on that musical theater server is just her projecting her opinion of me onto everyone else, but it HURT ME!” and like, if she hated Bea, why would she be so emotional over Bea’s opinion?

MEG: Oh, completely!

URSULA: Wait, so Gwen with the Jungkook profile picture _was_ Beni?

PEDRO: Apparently so.

HERO: Hey, Ursula! You owe me // Boba!

URSULA: No I don’t! You didn’t make// a bet!

HERO: Fine, // whatever.

MEG: Building off your point, Pedro, another thing about Beni is she’s kinda closeted to people who aren’t her close friends// so..

CLAUDIO: Wait, she’s not straight?

URSULA: Apparently // so.

MEG: AAAAAAAnyways, since it’s possible she’s like… afraid to be open about her sexuality, the whole hating Bea thing might just be hiding her feelings behind the veneer of cat-fighty girl-on-girl mutual disrespect as to stay in the closet when she wants to be.

EM: Oh, yeah, especially cause of the church stuff.

HERO: Wait, so she _does_ know that it’s like… not a sin to date someone who isn’t a dude… right?

MEG: Yeah. Toni and I had a little conference with her about the whole thing last week.

HERO: Okay, good.

PEDRO: But what’s holding Bea back, then? She’s obviously out of the closet, I mean, she told me she was a lesbian when I got friendzoned.

MEG: _(sighs)_ I think she’s probably just disappointed in herself for liking a possibly straight chaotic dumbass who makes fun of her for having a stick up her ass.

HERO: Seems legit.

PEDRO: Yeah.

URSULA: So how do you propose we get them together?

HERO: Should we?

MEG: I don’t know. If we did it would give us a lot more peace of mind.

URSULA: can anyone put them in a group project together? Like… just as partners so they don’t have to bother anyone else?

HERO: People have tried that… minus the romantic aspirations, but they just get out of their arrangement by arguing loudly until the teacher switches one of them out.

EM: You know, I think we have to think more about what’s preventing them from getting together emotionally, not like… physically I guess.

MEG: So how do we get rid of deep-seated emotional insecurity?

EM: Well, I guess Beni should hear something that makes her feel less afraid of being in a committed relationship with another girl.

HERO: And Bea needs to hear something that makes Beni seem like something other than an immature commitment-phobe.

URSULA: So… how do you propose this happen?

MEG: I don’t know…. Maybe like a “wrong number” text? Y’know, like… we make a big groupchat and like “accidentally” invite Bea or Beni to hear us talking about them?

PEDRO: Not terribly exciting, but it could work.

HERO: What about Gwyn with the Jungkook profile picture, Pedro?  
PEDRO: What about her?

HERO: Well, since Beni doesn’t know that Claud, Em, Meg, or Ursula and I know it’s her, what if we all join the musical theater server Bea’s on and like… get them to overhear us talking about them in video chat?

PEDRO: Wait, that’s actually a great idea! So all of you just hop on the server, tell “Gwyn” you’re talking about her and then just go off about Bea being in love?

HERO: Pretty much.

URSULA: What about Bea?

HERO: We’ll figure that out when we’re done with Beni


End file.
